My Therapist Makes Everything About Themselves - And Why Your Story Deserves Center Stage
You're sharing something deeply personal when your therapist responds with, "That reminds me of when I went through something similar," and suddenly you're hearing about their divorce, their anxiety, or their family problems. Your immediate thought? "Maybe my problems aren't that interesting" or "I should be grateful they're sharing with me." But here's what professional ethics research reveals: excessive therapist self-disclosure is a documented boundary violation that occurs more frequently among mental health providers with unresolved personal issues and inadequate supervision.
If you're already struggling with low self-worth, people-pleasing, or difficulty asserting your needs—issues that commonly bring people to therapy—your brain is primed to accommodate your therapist's needs rather than advocate for your own.
The reality is more complex than "selfish therapist" or "ungrateful client".
The Research: When Wounded Healers Seek Healing
Studies on therapist self-disclosure reveal that mental health professionals may sometimes struggle with appropriate boundaries around sharing personal information, particularly when their own unresolved trauma gets activated by client stories. Research shows that therapists who experienced significant adversity may be more likely to engage in inappropriate self-disclosure as an unconscious attempt to process their own unhealed wounds.
The “Wounded Healer” phenomenon is well-documented in psychological literature: many therapists enter the field because of their own mental health struggles and trauma histories. While this can enhance empathy and understanding, research indicates that therapists with unresolved personal issues may unconsciously use client relationships to meet their own emotional needs rather than focusing exclusively on client welfare.
Studies of therapeutic effectiveness show that while minimal, strategic self-disclosure can enhance therapeutic alliance, excessive therapist sharing actually decreases client satisfaction and treatment outcomes. Research indicates that clients benefit most when therapist disclosures are rare, brief, and explicitly focused on client needs rather than therapist emotional expression.
Why Your Brain Puts Their Needs First
Research on people-pleasing behaviors shows that individuals who seek therapy often have histories of emotional parentification, where they learned to manage adults' emotional needs as children. When your therapist shares their problems, your wounded inner child may feel responsible for helping them feel better, even though you're the one paying for professional support.
Studies of codependency and boundary issues reveal that people with these patterns often interpret others' emotional needs as more important than their own. If your therapist seems distressed or starts sharing personal struggles, your automatic response may be to become their emotional support rather than recognizing this as a professional boundary violation.
The therapeutic relationship creates unique vulnerability because you're in a one-down power position, sharing intimate details while your therapist maintains authority and expertise. When they suddenly become vulnerable by sharing their own problems, your brain may feel obligated to reciprocate their "trust" rather than recognizing that professional relationships should remain focused on your needs.
How to Tell the Difference: Therapeutic Sharing vs. Problematic Self-Focus
Signs of Appropriate Therapeutic Self-Disclosure:
Strategic and brief sharing:
Therapist shares a brief, relevant experience to normalize your struggle
Disclosure is clearly connected to your therapeutic goals
They immediately return focus to your experience after sharing
The sharing helps you feel less alone or ashamed about your situation
Disclosure is rare (maybe a few times per year at most)
Professional boundaries maintained:
They don't share ongoing personal problems or current crises
Information shared is from resolved past experiences, not active struggles
They don't seek comfort or advice from you about their disclosure
The sharing enhances your understanding rather than creating confusion
They check how the disclosure affected you rather than assuming it was helpful
Client-focused intention:
"I'm sharing this because it might help you understand that recovery is possible"
"This isn't about me, but I want you to know that what you're describing is more common than you think"
Clear explanation of why they're choosing to share at this moment
Signs of Problematic Self-focus:
Excessive or inappropriate sharing:
Regular stories about their own relationships, family, or personal struggles
Sharing current problems they're actively dealing with
Lengthy personal stories that take up significant session time
Details about their therapy, medication, or mental health treatment
Information about their finances, work stress, or family conflicts
Boundary confusion:
Asking for your opinion about their personal decisions
Seeming to want comfort or support from you about their problems
Treating sessions like mutual conversation rather than professional service
Sharing because they need to express something, not because it helps you
Getting defensive when you try to redirect focus back to yourself
Pattern recognition:
Your problems consistently remind them of their own experiences
Session time regularly gets divided between your issues and theirs
You find yourself giving advice or emotional support to your therapist
They seem more interested in talking about their experiences than exploring yours
You leave sessions feeling like you learned more about them than yourself
What to Say When Sessions Become About Them
Script for gentle redirection: "I appreciate you sharing that with me, but I'm noticing that we're spending a lot of our time talking about your experiences. I need to focus on my own situation right now. Can we get back to what I was working through?"
When they seem to need support: "It sounds like what I'm sharing is bringing up some stuff for you. I'm wondering if this is something you might want to discuss with your own therapist rather than using our time for it?"
Addressing the pattern directly: "I've noticed that when I bring up certain topics, we often end up talking about similar things that have happened to you. While I appreciate that you can relate, I need our sessions to stay focused on my experiences and goals."
When they ask for advice about their life: "I'm not qualified to give you advice about your personal life, and that's not why I'm here. I need a therapist, not someone who wants me to be their therapist. Can we talk about how to keep our sessions focused on my needs?"
When Good Intentions Cross Professional Lines
Therapists who over-share aren't intentionally being selfish or unprofessional. Research shows that clients often feel less alone and more hopeful about recovery when therapists show vulnerability. However, good intentions don't justify turning client sessions into mutual support conversations.
Some therapists confuse authenticity with appropriate self-disclosure, believing that being "real" with clients means sharing their personal struggles. While genuine human connection is important in therapy, professional authenticity involves being genuinely present for your experience, not sharing their own emotional baggage.
Time pressure and isolation in private practice can also contribute to over-sharing. Therapists who lack adequate peer consultation or personal therapy may unconsciously use client relationships to meet their own needs for connection and emotional processing.
Protecting Your Therapeutic Space
Recognize when you're caretaking: Notice if you find yourself asking how your therapist is doing, offering them support, or feeling responsible for their emotional state. These are signs that the professional boundary has been compromised.
Document the pattern: Keep track of how much session time gets devoted to therapist sharing versus your own processing. If it's consistently more than a few minutes per session, you have a legitimate boundary concern.
Reality-check with trusted others: Describe the therapist's sharing pattern to friends or family members. If they're surprised by how much personal information your therapist shares, trust their outside perspective.
Set explicit expectations: "I need our sessions to be focused on my experiences and goals. When you share your own stories, it makes it harder for me to stay connected to my own processing."
Troubleshooting Common Scenarios
"My therapist says sharing helps me see I'm not alone" While this can be true occasionally, it shouldn't be frequent. Try: "I appreciate knowing that you can relate, but I need to explore my own experience more deeply rather than hearing about similar situations."
"They share after I mention feeling ashamed about something" This might be well-intentioned but can backfire. Address it: "When you share your own experience with this issue, I actually feel more pressure to be okay with it rather than working through my own feelings about it."
"I feel guilty asking them to stop sharing since they're being vulnerable" Remember the power dynamic. Say: "I understand you're trying to connect with me, but I need our professional relationship to stay focused on my healing rather than mutual vulnerability."
"They seem hurt when I redirect back to my issues" This is a red flag indicating they may be using your sessions for their own needs. Consider: "I'm noticing you seem disappointed when I ask to focus on my own experience. That's concerning to me because this is supposed to be my therapy time."
When Sharing Becomes Emotional Dumping
Research on therapeutic boundaries shows that when therapists begin using client sessions to process their own emotional material, the relationship has fundamentally shifted from professional service to mutual support. This creates several problems: you lose your therapeutic space, you may feel responsible for managing their emotions, and the power dynamic becomes confused.
Understanding this helps you respond assertively rather than accommodatingly. Instead of feeling grateful that your therapist is "trusting" you with their problems, you can recognize that professional relationships should maintain clear directional focus on your needs and goals.
Taking Back Center Stage
Your responsibility:
Recognize when sessions become about the therapist's needs rather than yours
Communicate directly when sharing becomes excessive or inappropriate
Refuse to take on the role of therapist to your therapist
Evaluate whether this dynamic can be corrected or requires a new provider
Their responsibility:
Keep personal sharing minimal, strategic, and client-focused
Process their own emotional reactions in appropriate venues (supervision, personal therapy)
Maintain clear professional boundaries regardless of their own emotional triggers
Accept feedback about over-sharing without becoming defensive
When to address the pattern:
Sessions regularly include significant therapist personal sharing
You find yourself caring for their emotional needs during your sessions
Their sharing seems driven by their needs rather than your therapeutic goals
You're learning more about their life than they are about yours
When over-sharing is a deal-breaker:
They refuse to acknowledge or change the pattern when you address it
You consistently leave sessions having focused more on their issues than yours
They become defensive or hurt when you try to redirect to your own needs
The relationship feels more like friendship or mutual therapy than professional service
The Bottom Line: You Deserve Professional Focus
Having a therapist who makes sessions about themselves can feel confusing and invalidating, especially when you're already struggling with boundary issues or people-pleasing patterns. While occasional, strategic self-disclosure can enhance therapeutic connection, chronic therapist sharing reflects boundary violations that compromise your treatment.
Trust your instincts when sessions feel more like mutual conversation than professional service, communicate your need for appropriate boundaries clearly, and don't settle for therapeutic relationships that leave you feeling like the emotional caretaker. Properly boundaried professional support exists—and recognizing inappropriate self-focus is the first step toward claiming the therapeutic space you deserve.
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